Erik Cardona grew up in Chino Hills, which made him the closest we had to an O.C. contestant on “Survivor” this fall. Well, that and a special  moment he shared as a lad with one of Pedro’s colleagues here at the Register — more on that later.

So after Cardona suffered the equivalent of a 2-by-4 upside the head in Tribal Council on Thursday’s episode, we were interested in chatting with our O.C.-adjacent ex-Survivor on his experiences on the wild and wooly shores of Samoa.

A bartender and substitute teacher before the show, Cardona says he was a fan of the show who never dreamed he’d appear on it, until one day while walking in Santa Monica with friends, a casting agent saw something she liked.

“I met someone who literally grabbed me by the collar and said, ‘Would you ever (be on ‘Survivor’)?” he says. “I said, ‘Lady, you have no idea how perfect the person you just bumped into is.”

The usual rounds of reality show interviews and physicals and psychological screenings followed, and eventually Cardona boarded a flight to Samoa — though at that point, he still wasn’t guaranteed a spot in the game, there only as one of two alternates. Shortly before filming started though, Cardona got called into a room and was told the game would feature 20 contestants instead of 18, and he was in.

“It’s funny,” Cardona says of that moment, “and I hate to admit this to someone who might put it into print. But people always say to me, ‘Did you cry out there?’ And they’re usually referring to ‘in the game.’ To be honest, I did cry, but it was before the game, when they told me I was in.”

Given how tough the game unfolded in Samoa — for the first time in many seasons, the environment — cold downpours for days — made the contestants miserable.  Cardona took a beating in other ways, too, at one point getting clotheslined by a tree branch while chasing an escaped chicken. (It’s “Survivor,” it happens!)

“At one point I lost a shirt — I thought I lost a shirt,” he says. “So I went to the producers and said, ‘Dude, I think I lost my shirt, I don’t know what do!’ He said, ‘Vote someone off who’s got a shirt.’”

And so for a brief spell, before he found the misplaced shirt, Cardona says he entertained thoughts of who might be vulnerable, who might be tricked into going to Tribal Council while leaving a shirt back at camp.

“It provides a true recollection of the character that you are,” he says. “You think you know, but you don’t know.”

As for the blindsiding he got on Thursday — after the merge, Cardona’s tribe held an 8-4 advantage, but his tribemates ended up flipping and voting him out, an unused immunity idol in his pocket — he offers up a nice O.C. analogy to express how unexpected that was.

“Say we got an Angels-Yankees game and then all of a sudden Derek Jeter walks over to Mike Scioscia and says, ‘I think this guy should lay down the bunt,’ and Scioscia goes, ‘OK, that’s a good idea,’” Cardona says of the way his teammates rolled over on him. “You don’t do that!”

Our chat almost done, we ask Cardona our final question, whether he remembers a junior high classmate named Roxanne, who, coincidentally, now works a few desks from us here at Pedro and the Watcher world headquarters.

“She was my first kiss!” Cardona says, and then draws an analogy between the giddy excitement of that moment and one of the rare highs of life on the Samoan shore. “We’d won a reward challenge, steaks and sausages, and the only thing I could liken it too was the magic of your first kiss — something you dream about and dream about.

“And then I was out there, and I took a bite of that sausage, and it was like, ohhhh — that feeling again.”

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New: USA’s new series “White Collar” is pleasantly amusing in the USA style of “Monk,” “Psych” and “Burn Notice.” Tim DeKay finally gets a role where he’s not a goofball or a psychopath. Callie Thorne guest stars tonight at 10.

Old: Friday can be a good time to seek out an old series you missed or want to rewatch. One that you must see, if you haven’t already, is the original British version of “The Office.” Cartoon Network runs an episode from season two at 9.

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Longtime readers are familiar with the Watcher’s take on “American Idol.” Now, I dip even farther down the ladder of credibility to take on the local ladies of liquor and lip collagen.

The upside: no singing.

Let’s plunge right in.

The episode begins with a helpful recap of last season.

Vicki bad-mouthed her husband, Jeana had a hard time with the real estate market, everyone hated Lynne, Tamra hated everyone and, oh yeah, Gretchen’s fiancé died.

All caught up? Good. Let’s roll.

The intros of our characters are different this season but still inane. Five seasons in and they don’t really have Jeana’s down. But she’s quitting, so who cares?

Lynne’s is funny: “It’s not about how much money you have; it’s about how you look spending it,” is her tagline. And you looked great getting evicted!

Because this is the “real” housewives, we want to start the season with a normal, everyday real event. Vicki Gunvalson is going skydiving.

This is not in the least a stunt set up for the show. Vicki, being so goal-oriented, has finished raising her children, so this is the next logical step. At least that’s how I interpret the load of non-sequiturs and bull manure flying out of her mouth in her first confessional. At least Vicki looks good, better than in previous seasons.

In a rare moment of genuineness, Vicki seems truly frightened. She can’t even “woo-hoo.” This is actually interesting. Do I have the right channel?

Unfortunately, yes.

The scene quickly changes to Jeana Keough, who has burned out the clutch in her son Colton’s car. Fixing that, according to Colton, will cost “like, two thousand dollars.” I’m assuming that clutch comes with a big-screen TV attached.

Jeana frets because she doesn’t know how to pay for the repairs. Her real estate business is off by two-thirds, and she can’t stick to a budget. Colton says she needs to stop spending her entire paycheck the minute it comes in. Hmm. Interesting concept.

Jeana’s plan is to sell the house. Why have 9,000 square feet when 5,000 will do? I hope that’s enough to hold all of the stupid.

Colton asks why she wants to sell at the bottom of the market. Where did this kid get the smarts?

Off to Tamra Barney’s house for another completely not-made-for-TV-event, a wrap party for her daughter Sidney’s drama class. Tamra rolls out the red carpet that we all keep stashed in the garage, and the parents act as the paparazzi.

The party gets of to a grand start as Tamra’s friend Ricky refers to her as “Teabag” in front of all the kids and her parents.

Tamra’s husband, Simon, flips out. “It’s disgusting,” he says. And being on this show isn’t?

This introduces a segment where Tamra and Simon look unhappy with each other and Tamra confesses, “I don’t know what’s going to happen.” I do. We’re going to beat “will their marriage survive?” into the ground over the next 13 weeks.

We turn next to Gretchen Rossi, everyone’s favorite gold-digger, who’s trying to clean out her garage.

Gretchen lost her fiancé to cancer - and gained $3 million as a result - and this has led her to reevaluate everything in her life. Apparently that includes her taste in men, which has downgraded from her pleasant, rich fiancé to Slade Smiley, who by his own admission has no income to pay support for his sick child.

But what Slade has that Jeff didn’t is an inexhaustible desire to be on television. In that sense, they’re a perfect match - and will probably be doing reality shows together for the next four decades.

Before we start retching at that thought, let’s shift over to Lynne Curtin. Lynne has had a big year, what with getting a face lift and being tossed from her rented home for not paying the rent.

But in the immortal words of Fernando, it’s better to look good than to feel good. Or to have a place to live.

Lynne is all about her jewelry business at the moment. Unfortunately that means all of her segments are going to look a lot like the Home Shopping Network.

Order your Lynne Curtin cuffs now! Only 400 left at the low, low price of $29.99!

Lynne demonstrates her deep knowledge of the jewelry business by asking her fabricator to “put some sworskis” on one of her designs.

We soon return to Vicki, who helps her husband Donn clean the patio. Vicki, by her own admission, “threw Donn under the bus” last season. Now they are working on repairing their relationship.

Vicki explains this in her inimitable, barely comprehensible style. “Thank you for not making me be a lesbian” Vicki tells Donn. And how can we add to that?

Our first half hour out of the way, it is now time for our housewives to mingle in that completely natural and not at all forced for television way.

Vicki and Tamra, “best friends” who hardly ever see each other, meet for lunch and gossip: Tamra and Simon are having marriage problems. Jeana has money problems. Gretchen is an exhibitionist. Did they not watch the first half of this episode?

Tamra is appalled that pictures have surfaced on the Internet of Gretchen lying naked on a bed, using an AC-powered vibrator.

“Who uses a vibrator with a cord,” Tamra demands, cutting right to what is appalling about this.

Tamra next heads over for a workout with Lynne. The two implant queens have become bosom buddies in the off-season. “We have so much in common,” Lynne says. “We both love to work out, and we’re both moms.” Gee, what else is there?

We watch the two go through a workout that seems designed to show off their enhanced bust lines. From my viewpoint, it’s money well spent.
The editors need to throw in some fake drama at this point, so Lynne tells Tamra that she’s throwing a fashion show at the St. Regis for “all the Housewives.” She’d like Tamra to come. Tamra says sure. Then Lynne lists the housewives and, Tamra’s face darkens as she hears Gretchen’s name, as if she has forgotten who is on the show. Of course, this is Tamra we’re talking about, so that is entirely possible.

Speaking of Gretchen, we spend a few minutes letting her try to talk her way out of all of those embarrassing pictures and reports that ended up in the gossip press after Jeff’s death. It wasn’t her fault that she was photographed on the toilet or using a vibrator with a cord, folks!

Then we move on to her tearful ode to her departed fiancé, Jeff. She thanks Jeff for bringing Slade into her life. (Someone please explain that to me). “There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him,” Gretchen says. Good old what’s his name!

Gretchen heads over to lunch with Lynne, who coyly invites Gretchen to her totally unstaged fashion show. Lynne brings up her non-friend Tamra who just happens to go to the same gym, and smoke starts pouring out of Gretchen’s ears.

Tamra accused Gretchen of having a boyfriend on the side while Jeff was still alive, and Gretchen hasn’t gotten over it. She’s mad that Tamra got a bunch of attention for that, I think.

Anyone want to guess how Lynne’s impromptu fashion show is going to turn out?

And now the moment you’ve waited 45 minutes for - Tamra and Gretchen bitching each other out.

Or not.

We have several other loads to dispense with as the fashion show begins.

First, Jeana complains that Vicki doesn’t like her now that she’s poor. Vicki confesses that she doesn’t like anyone other than Tamra. Vicki hates Lynne’s jewelry - which is going fast, folks. Only 399 cuffs left at the extra low price of $29.99. Act now and we’ll throw in a Sham-Wow and a Snuggie.

Gretchen arrives at last, but the two pit bulls have to circle around each other a bit before locking jaws.

Finally, the alcohol arrives, which we know will loosen tongues in no time. And sure enough, what starts as a hatchet-burying exercise soon turns into a hatchet-swinging exercise.

If only Gretchen and Tamra had some skills. Both fling their accusations wildly, without uncorking anything like a good line.

“I don’t have a problem with you; I don’t Like you,” Tamra tells Gretchen, which is as close as we get to a solid blow.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey would eat both of them alive.

And the fight goes on and on. If it can’t be good, at least give us a lot of it.

The battle concludes with Gretchen getting in the last shot: “This is not me being a victim. This is me telling you to shut the —- up!” which, while crude and effective, is still lacking in imagination.

Or does the fight end there? The screen goes black. “To be continued … ” it warns.

Ah, jeez, do we have to?

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Thursday’s episode of “Survivor: Samoa” turned me fully to a Russell fan. Sure, his crowing and preening during the confessionals is annoying, but the guy can play the game.

In what was undoubtedly the craziest merge ever - and probably one of the 10 best episodes in the show’s history - the politics careened from right to left and back again, and Russell was at the middle of it all.

Oddly, it was the normally passive Jaison who brought up Erik’s name for elimination - after Jaison, Monica and Laura took turns in the group’s collective sights - but it was Russell’s machinations that led to the uproar.

Rather than trying to quietly worm into the Galu power structures, Russell rolled into camp like a bowling ball and knocked away the veneer of peace at Galu.

But did he make a mistake by playing the Hidden Immunity Idol at Tribal Council? Was it an act of overconfidence or paranoia?

The political excitement of Tribal Council was only enhanced by the hilarity of Erik’s bloviating. I can’t recvall a blindside that was ever preceded by such “he has no clue” bloviating.

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The merge: Why does “Survivor” call it “the merge” instead of “the merger”? That’s like when football announcers talk about players “defensing” each other. Either way, the event takes place tonight on “Survivor: Samoa,” with Galu bringing eight players and Foa Foa just four. The F-Fers seemed doomed, don’t they? No tribe has survived that sort of imbalance since - oh, yeah, since last season. 8 p.m. on CBS.

The acquirers: Our favorite local lasses, “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” resume their televised antics of spending money and getting drunk. (OC Register’s Richard Chang previews the new Housewives episode.) The Watcher will pitch in with his thoughts tomorrow morning. 10 p.m. on Bravo.

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“The Real Housewives of Orange County.” From left: Tamra Barney, Alexis Bellino. Jeana Keough, Vicki Gunvalson and Lynne Curtin. Photo by Richard Chang/The Register.

Greetings, folks, and welcome back to another exhilarating preview of “The Real Housewives of Orange County”!

Every week, before the show airs, we’ll give you a sneak peek at what transpires on tonight’s episode of the Bravo reality TV series, now in its fifth season, if you can believe it. Tonight at 10 is the season premiere of the fifth season. It will air earlier if you have satellite TV or Bravo’s HD channel. Check your local listings.

Tonight’s episode starts with original housewife Vicki Gunvalson. She is riding in a car with her daughter Brianna and her son Michael. It’s morning, and they are headed for an exciting day of skydiving.

“I just want to see you fall out of a plane,” Michael, 23, says to his mother in the back seat. Brianna, 22, squeals in delight. It’s ominous for Vicki, yet humorous for the general viewer.

“I’m 47, now I feel like it’s my time,” Vicki says.

The trio arrive at Pacific Coast Skydive and check out the single-engine plane.Vicki is scared.

“I was totally thinking of my mortality,” Vicki says. “When you jumping out of a plane at 12,000 feet, stuff can happen.”

The Gunvalsons hop into the tiny plane and it takes flight. Vicki is extremely frightened.

Vicki jumps into thin air and she is screaming the whole way down. When she finally lands, she says, “Never again.” She adds later, “I couldn’t even get the woo-hoo out that I wanted.” Poor Vicki.

Flash over to Jeana Keough, at home in Coto de Caza. She is having a discussion about money with her son, Colton, 17. She confesses that her income level has declined by two-thirds.

“I’m not good at budgeting,” Jeana says. “It’s weird to be at a point where you have to think before you make a purchase. I just never had to do it.” Hmmm, welcome to the real world, Jeana.

She says her Coto home is up for sale. It’s not a good time to be selling property, however.

Meanwhile, in Ladera Ranch, Tamra Barney is hosting a red-carpet, paparazzi party for her daughter, Sidney, who’s finishing her theater class. The parents are the paparazzi, once again proving how excellent role models they are.

Tamra’s friend Ricky says, “Are we Teabag and Mo?” Simon, Tamra’s husband, hears this and gets extremely offended.

“Show a little class, would you?” Simon instructs Tamra.

“Let’s act like we like each other,” Tamra responds.

In her one-on-one interview, Tamra confesses about her marriage, “Sometimes I think we have a love-hate relationship. Maybe I love him and he hates me, I’m not quite sure. Yeah, it’s frustrating, and I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Simon says to Tamra’s friend, “I’m not happy right now.”

After a commercial break, we visit Gretchen Rossi at home in Costa Mesa. She reflects on her fiance Jeff Beitzel’s death last year. But, some time has passed, and she has a new boyfriend — the notorious Housewife-dater Slade Smiley. He’s donning his amazing wife-beater T-shirt and scruffy 5 o’clock shadow. (More like a 11 p.m. shadow.) Ewww!

“I think if it was 6 days after Jeff passed away, or if it was 6 months after Jeff passed away, or if it was 6 years after Jeff passed away, people are going to have an opinion,” Gretchen opines.

“There are some days that I do think that it’s too early to be in a relationship again,” she continues. “But this is what happened. I met Slade, he’s a wonderful man. I hope that this is something that’s a lasting relationship. Maybe he’s in my life because he’s going to be my husband and the father of my children one day. I don’t know; I’m excited for the ride.” Wow! Watch out for Slade, the Housewife serial dater!

Flash over to Lynne Curtin of Laguna Beach. She seems to be doing well with her jewelry and cuff business. She gets an order online from Australia.  “Lynne is going global with her cuffs,” she boasts.

“It’s just evolved to where I’m like actually a businesswoman. I’m turning into Vicki,” she laughs.

Meanwhile, we see Vicki and her husband cleaning the backyard patio area.

“The last few years, we got off course,” Vicki says in a one-on-one interview. “People fall out of love, and I think we both did.”

She reflects on her comments last season. “Donn was definitely upset that I threw him under the bus last year. And, um, I just vowed to him I will never, ever hurt him again.”

Now it’s time to hear from Donn: “We kind of agreed to just kind of mellow out and enjoy our time together. And it’s just so much easier.”

Vicki: “Donn and I are definitely getting back on track. We’re committed. I want him to be my husband forever. And I’m making more of an effort to be a better wife.” Awww.

After a commercial break, we see Tamra and Vicki get together for lunch at Picante Cuisine of Spain, which I believe is in Ladera Ranch. Vicki shows off her 6 ½-karat diamond ring, which Donn bought for her (unlike the Rolex Vicki bought for herself last year).

<!–[if gte mso 9]> Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 <![endif]–><!–[if gte mso 9]> <![endif]–>The two catch up and talk about their marriages and about Gretchen. They discuss naked pictures on the Internet, including one in which she’s laying on a bed, utilizing a vibrator with a cord. Tamra says, “I’m like, Holy Mother of Gynecology. Who has a vibrator with a cord? Like I thought we all had a rabbit by now.”

They talk about Slade. “I think now he’s just whoring her out or something,” Vicki says. “It’s just very strange.”

They both say they will not be the next housewife to be “bagged” by Mr. Smiley.

Flash over to Renaissance Club Sport gym. Lynne and Tamra are working out together. Sweat, mammas, sweat! Tamra says, “I’m sweatin’ like a pig at a slaughterhouse!” Nice imagery!

Lynne says she’s considering plastic surgery to tighten the skin around her neck. She also says she’s inviting all the ladies to the St. Regis Monarch Beach to show off her bathing suit line, her cuffs and her belts. Tamra expresses some reservations about Gretchen, but says she’ll go and keep her mouth shut. Yeah, right.

Speaking of Gretchen, we see her taking her two little dogs to the beach. She reflects again on Jeff’s passing, as well as those crazy photos of her on the Web. “There were pictures that were taken, that were private pictures, and they were put on the Internet without me knowing.” OK, well that explains that!

She begins to cry at the beach. “It’s really hard,” she chokes, “because I miss him… There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him.”

Next we see Lynne and Gretchen meeting for lunch. Lynne invites Gretchen to the St. Regis, even though Tamra, her nemesis from last season, is going. We see a flashback of some of the previous drama between Tamra and Gretchen.

After a commercial break, we may see a scene where Lynne’s daughter, Alexa, 17, is modeling her mother’s bikini line on the sidewalk, outside a store. It’s a little bizarre, however, so producers/editors may have the good wisdom to cut this scene out. But, maybe not.

Next, Lynne prepares her fashion line at the St. Regis, and the housewives are getting ready for the big get-together. Gretchen says, “I will be a classy lady, the person I normally am, until there’s an issue.” And then what?

Tamra arrives first at the St. Regis suite, then Jeana in a purple dress. Vicki shows up next. Lynne invites her to try on a cuff, but she declines. “I think Lynne’s got a different style than me,” Vicki says. “The biker look, I’m not that fond of.”

Gretchen arrives last. She’s late. There’s some tension between Tamra and Gretchen. They don’t talk to each other initially, until the other ladies force an introduction.

Jeana says, “Just bitch slap each other and get it over with.” Not the most appropriate comment, but most viewers want those two to get it on!

The ladies finish up trying on the cuffs, then go downstairs to have dinner.

There’s an ominous soundtrack as the ladies drink white wine and dig in — into their meals and into each other. Specifically, it’s Tamra in one corner and Gretchen in another. They take the gloves off, so to speak, and their differences escalate. Vicki comes to Tamra’s defense.

Tamra says Gretchen and Slade make her skin crawl. Tamra says to Gretchen, “You have a bad reputation. You have a horrible, horrible, horrible reputation… I don’t want to be known as the hooker in Orange County.”  Yeeooww!

The two continue to fight. “Oh my God, she prays on old men,” Tamra says about Gretchen. “You are such a victim, all the time … You’re such an innocent angel.”

“No Tamra, this is not me being a victim,” Gretchen retorts. “This is me telling you to shut the (expletive) up.”

Jeana: “Oh.”

Ha ha!

Then white letters on a black screen: TO BE CONTINUED….

At the very end, we see some flashes of future episodes of “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” including Alexis Bellino of Newport Coast, the newest housewife. She’s another blonde, surprise, surprise. That makes four out of six (soon to be four out of five, when Jeana leaves on Nov. 19).

There are a lot of snippets, and we don’t want to bore you, but probably the best one is between Simon and Tamra. They’re wearing SoCal, so-cool sunglasses, and they appear as if they’re riding in the back of a limo. They’re arguing.

Tamra: “Really? You want to go there?”

Simon: “Yeah, you want to go there?”

Tamra: “Yeah, do you? You are a nasty, vile person.”

In a later interview, a teary Tamra says, “We are seriously headed towards divorce.”

Yow!!! Well, that’s all the drama that I can take for now, folks.

Tune in next week for another exciting preview of “The Real Housewives of Orange County”!

Related links:

• Meet the season 5 cast of ‘Real Housewives of O.C.’
• A midday chat with the Real Housewives of O.C.
• ‘Real Housewives of O.C.’ coming back for more
• Meet the newest ‘Real Housewife of Orange County’

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The show averaged nearly 14 million viewers in its premiere hour Tuesday night and - more importantly to the network - bested “NCIS” among 18-to-49-year-olds.

The Watcher thought the first 10 minutes were spectacular, but I was less impressed with the next 50. We’ll get three more episodes of “V” before it goes on vacation until March.

In other news:

* The Jake Pavelka edition of “The Bachelor” will begin Jan. 4. This will be the first season broadcast in high-definition.

* CBS cut the season order for “Numb3rs” from 22 episodes to 16. “Numb3rs” clearly was a bubble show even before the news. This makes it more likely that we’re watching the final season.

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First string: The Yankees and Phillies are back at it in Game 6 of the World Series. That means that once again, “Glee” and “So You Think You Can Dance” will be missing from the lineup. Coverage begins at 5 p.m. on Fox.

Second string: Bravo is stretching out the “Top Chef” season. The winner will not be crowned until Dec. 9, which means it will take six Wednesdays to winnow the final six chefs. Tonight,we get a “special” edition of “Top Chef,” as several former contestants come to share stories from past seasons - and to cook a little. Season five fan favorite Fabio Viviani hosts. 10 p.m. on Bravo.

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After all, the villian of this current season, Tracey Yukich, a 37-year-old from Allen, Texas, made it to this eighth episode despite the way fans seemingly couldn’t stand to see her on the show another minute.

So what happened on Tuesday night? We’ll not spoil it here, read on a little more if you want to find out before you’ve seen the show…

First of all, congratulations to Shay! Not only did she make it another week, but she lost another nine pounds and now over the course of the show seen by fans, she’s gone from 476 pounds all the way down to 393.

And say farewell to Tracey. The fans out there will need a new villain, for this one’s going home to Texas.

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How did Nathan Trasoras, a recent graduate of the Orange County High School of the Arts, fare in a Bollywood number with his partner, Mollee Gray? Keep reading.

How did the more unusual (for this show) flavors of dancers do? The tappers and the krumper, the b-boy and the ballroomers? Read on for the results, and be sure to check out the slide show for a look these dancers once more.

First, OC fans, you can relax: Nathan Trasoras sailed through the the routine with high praise from all judges, and from the way they have talked about him after the first two shows, it would be a shock if he did not make the Top 10.

Less fortunate, though, the tappers: Heading home this week were two of the three tap dancers, Bianca Revels and Phillip Attmore.

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