Orange County Register

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. Or maybe it just seems that way. Once again The Watcher will bull his way through an entire episode of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” so you don’t have to.

Previews indicate this will be one of most boring outings on record. The Watcher is tempted to eschew his usual hard liquor accompaniment in favor of caffeine. Or DDT.

But that’s the coward’s way out. We must gather our courage and soldier ahead.

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Last week on “RHOC”: Fighting and whining prevailed. Tonight, no doubt, will be considerably different.

We notice that Alexis does not yet merit a spot in the “RHOC” credits sequence. Of course, she hasn’t been drunk or fought with another Housewife yet, so she hasn’t earned one.

The episode opens in the familiar Orange County community of Scottsdale, Ariz. We watch an SUV pull into the – get this – Hotel Valley Ho, a place the producers could not possibly have picked accidentally.

Gretchen and Slade emerge from the car, Slade now sporting the subtitle “Gretchen’s boyfriend,” and check into the Valley Ho. I may never tire of typing “Valley Ho.”

And why are we in Scottsdale, you ask? Gretchen is here to see her girlfriend Kelly. Oh, Kelly. I completely forgot she lived there. It all makes perfect sense now.

If you have a paper bag or wastebasket nearby, please grab it, because we are about to launch a vomit-inducing sequence detailing how much Gretchen and Slade are in love and how genuine their relationship is and not completely faked for TV or for the now-broke Slade to grab hold of some of Gretchen’s inheritance from her dead fiancé, Jeff.

Gretchen anticipates our skepticism: “If I had to fall in love with anybody, why did it have to be Slade Smiley, right?” Right.

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Did you hear about the “Real Housewives of Orange County” drinking game?

Every time the gals take a drink, you take a drink. If you’re still upright at the end of the hour, you check into rehab.

Fun times.

Speaking of overimbibers, we begin episode two right where we left episode one, with the five Housewives pouring down the drinks at the St. Regis Monarch Beach.

The ostensible reason for this gathering is to celebrate Lynne’s new jewelry business, but in truth the producers just wanted to get Tamra and Gretchen in the same room to resume their fight from last year’s reunion show. In the same room and drunk.

Tamra and Gretchen do not disappoint. We are treated to the terms “whore,” “nipple,” “vajayjay,” “bitch,” “(bleep 1)” and “(bleep 2)” in short order.

Priceless repartee. One imagines the Algonquin Round Table was much the same.

In a brief confessional, Lynne moans, “This was supposed to be my great dinner party,” and feigns being upset. A legitimate acting career is not in her future.

Finally, Tamra declares, “I quit,” and for a moment we are hopeful that she’s talking about the show.

But no, this is merely the signal for the gals to break into cliques, with Vicki following Tamra out of the suite while Lynne and Jeana stay behind to help Gretchen bad-mouth the departees.

Tamra and Vicki stomp through the tastefully beige halls of the St. Regis, loudly proclaiming Gretchen to be a gold-digging, lying, tramp – as if that is some newly discovered surprise to us all.

Back in the elegant suite, Gretchen and Jeana come to the conclusion that Tamra is a crazy, judgmental, white-trash bitch.

(Folks, do consider the St. Regis as the site for your next drunken catfight with your gold-digging white-trash friends.)

The blow-up concluded, we spin forward a few days to a backyard tanning party at Gretchen’s joint in Laguna Niguel.

Do I even need to report that drinking plays an important role?

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Welcome to the first “Real Housewives of Orange County” Watchalong, wherein the Watcher provides a running commentary on the events of the episode.

Longtime readers are familiar with the Watcher’s take on “American Idol.” Now, I dip even farther down the ladder of credibility to take on the local ladies of liquor and lip collagen.

The upside: no singing.

Let’s plunge right in.

The episode begins with a helpful recap of last season.

Vicki bad-mouthed her husband, Jeana had a hard time with the real estate market, everyone hated Lynne, Tamra hated everyone and, oh yeah, Gretchen’s fiancé died.

All caught up? Good. Let’s roll.

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