And now the end is near, and so they face that final curtain.  That’s right, folks, “Dancing With The Stars” is down to the final three celebrities on the dance floor, who took the stage for the last full night of performances on Monday.

We know you’ve got opinions on how they did, so it’s time, the last time, to vote in our poll for which star danced the best this week. Was it Mya, the pop siner, Donny Osmond, the grown-up teen idol, or Kelly Osbourne, the rocker’s daughter all cleaned up for the dance floor? Vote and we shall see!

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2009: The big event tonight, of course, is the first night of the two-part finale of “Dancing With the Stars.” The three remaining couples - Mya & Dmitry Chaplin, Kelly Osbourne & Louis Van Amstel and Donny Osmond & Kym Johnson - will dance three times each. It’s also the fans’ last chance to vote. Tuesday night brings a final dance and the crowning of the champion. The action starts at 8 on ABC.

1963: For the 46th anniversary of President John Kennedy’s assassionation, the National Geographic Channel has put together archival footage, much of it rarely seen, for a two-hour special on the events of Nov. 23, 1963. “The Lost JFK Tapes: The Assassination” begins at 9.

2009: The final episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ airs at 9 on TLC, and the Watcher says, “good riddance.” A once charming little show has been ruined by over-commercialization and the conversion of Jon and Kate Gosselin from overwhelmed parents to a public embarrassment. We assume that Kate and/or kids will return at some point in some new format, but who knows where or when?

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Miss America and hubby were saved, although for how long? With next week’s episode taking place entirely in Prague, the couple will not benefit from an airport equalizer and must complete the Speed Bump. That means one of the other three teams will need to make a mjaor mistake for Brian & Ericka to catch up.

Non-elimination aside, Sunday’s episode was an excellent one, with cab-stealing, alliance-breaking, a challenging Detour and an amusing Road Block. Anyone unclear on who is the brains in the Meghan & Cheyne pairing?

And we learned another “Amazing Race” rule: Never take the subway.

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They do: TLC trots out another new reality series in its quest to find the next “What Not to Wear.” This time we get “Happily Ever Faster,” which details the comings and goings at a Las Vegas wedding chapel. Sounds like it could be fun. Once, anyway. It begins at 10.

If you missed it: What a nice moment to see Irina Shabayeva burst into tears upon winning “Project Runway” Thursday night. We picked Mean-a Irina to win it all, and felt better about it after seeing her not be nasty for a few seconds. If you missed the finale, it repeats tonight at 10 on Lifetime.

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Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. Or maybe it just seems that way. Once again The Watcher will bull his way through an entire episode of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” so you don’t have to.

Previews indicate this will be one of most boring outings on record. The Watcher is tempted to eschew his usual hard liquor accompaniment in favor of caffeine. Or DDT.

But that’s the coward’s way out. We must gather our courage and soldier ahead.

***

Last week on “RHOC”: Fighting and whining prevailed. Tonight, no doubt, will be considerably different.

We notice that Alexis does not yet merit a spot in the “RHOC” credits sequence. Of course, she hasn’t been drunk or fought with another Housewife yet, so she hasn’t earned one.

The episode opens in the familiar Orange County community of Scottsdale, Ariz. We watch an SUV pull into the – get this – Hotel Valley Ho, a place the producers could not possibly have picked accidentally.

Gretchen and Slade emerge from the car, Slade now sporting the subtitle “Gretchen’s boyfriend,” and check into the Valley Ho. I may never tire of typing “Valley Ho.”

And why are we in Scottsdale, you ask? Gretchen is here to see her girlfriend Kelly. Oh, Kelly. I completely forgot she lived there. It all makes perfect sense now.

If you have a paper bag or wastebasket nearby, please grab it, because we are about to launch a vomit-inducing sequence detailing how much Gretchen and Slade are in love and how genuine their relationship is and not completely faked for TV or for the now-broke Slade to grab hold of some of Gretchen’s inheritance from her dead fiancé, Jeff.

Gretchen anticipates our skepticism: “If I had to fall in love with anybody, why did it have to be Slade Smiley, right?” Right.

Because “RHOC” viewers are unable think for themselves (actually, that’s not a far-fetched conclusion) Tamra helpfully inserts a few comments, lest we start thinking too well of Gretchen.

“Two weeks after Jeff died, Slade moved in,” Tamra reminds us. “Why does he keep bagging the Housewives?” Why indeed. Seems like the guy has enough troubles of his own.

But Gretchen and Slade wave away any of Tamra’s criticisms, mainly because those were filmed later and they can’t hear them. Slade wants to marry Gretchen and have children with her – even though she wants four kids and he would have to get his vasectomy reversed. Slade is so smitten, he even wants “to have genetic testing done.” Now that’s love, folks.

The camera cleverly cuts to the enormous engagement ring Jeff gave Gretchen, which she still wears on her left hand and which we now presume will stand as her dowry.

“I’m ready to have some good things in my life again,” Gretchen says. I’m confused; I thought we were talking about her marrying Slade.

***

We leave Scottsdale for Coto de Caza, where Tamra is driving while talking on her cell phone. She’s just like Maria Shriver!

Tamra drops by Jeana’s house to conduct some urgent RHOC business. Tamra is throwing a party at La Perla and Jeana hasn’t RSVPed. So rather than just ask over the phone whether Jeana’s coming, Tamra asks Jeana if she can come over to her house and ask her whether she’s coming.

Jeana’s not coming.

Jeana needs to concentrate on her work and her kids, and she doesn’t need all of the drama that comes with hanging with the RHOC girls. This is Jeana’s last episode on the show, and these are the reasons she’s leaving, she tells us. And tells us. And tells us. Jeana says the same thing a couple of dozen different ways throughout the hour. Keep this paragraph handy for easy reference.

Jeana’s ready for a new phase in her life, anyway. Her divorce from husband Matt will be final in about a month, and he’s moving out in two weeks. And she’s already dating.

And she needs to concentrate on her work and her kids, and she doesn’t need all of the drama that comes with hanging with the RHOC girls.

Drama like stirring up Tamra by bringing up the big fight with Gretchen at the St. Regis. “Have you and Gretchen made up?” Jeana asks, innocently. She then suggests that Tamra apologize to Gretchen.

Tamra pulls a hatchet from her purse and chops Jeana’s left arm off.

That would have been interesting, at least. No, Tamra simply calls Gretchen a pathological liar. Then, in a confessional taped later, she calls Jeana a bitch and accuses her of creating “all of the drama among the girls.”

Could we agree to use a more fitting term than “drama”? Like “painfully trivial nonsense”?
***

Speaking of trivial, we move on to our new Housewife, Alexis.

Alexis and Jim have been married four years and have three children: a 3-year-old son and 20-month-old twin girls. “We both wanted to have a very structured family life where God was first, our marriage was second and our children were third,” Alexis says.

That’s craziness! Where does plastic surgery rank? And booze? If those aren’t higher than the kids, you have no business being on this show, lady.

Alexis is crazy busy, though, what with a husband and three kids to care for and only two nannies to help out. “It’s really difficult at times,” she confesses, and I think I felt a tiny tear of sympathy trickle down my cheek.

Jim explains: “Our marriage is modern in its everyday action but traditional in the moral fiber in which we conduct ourselves.” Could you repeat that in English?

Alexis and Jim meet for lunch at the Watermarc restaurant in Laguna Beach, where Alexis demonstrates her traditional moral fiber by having a margarita before driving back home to resume taking care of the kids.

At least she called it a margarita; it sounded like an insanely complicated drink that required two fresh limes and a partly salted rim.

Alexis confesses that her Sally Albright-level need to customize her restaurant order is nutty. “I’m erotic,” she says. I did not make that up.

***

From one malapropist to another: We traipse over to Vicki’s house, where Jeana has dropped by for an uncomfortable visit.

“Jeana’s always going to be my neighbor unless one of us moves,” Vicki helpfully informs us, “but she’s not necessarily always going to be my friend.”

Their relationship has been strained since Vicki dropped Jeana as her real estate agent.

They have trouble talking about it – to each other, that is. Not so much to the camera.

“Jeana stirred the pot, and she became toxic in my life,” Vicki tells us, mixing metaphors like a pro.
***
Oops. We almost forgot poor Gretchen back at the – let’s say it together, shall we? – Hotel Valley Ho.

She is here to attend the birthday party of her “new friend” Kelly, who owns the Barcelona restaurant in Scottsdale and, of course, did not pay Bravo to fly Gretchen out and feature the restaurant in the show.

(Oddly enough, Barcelona closed for renovations a couple of days after Gretchen’s visit. Sadly, though, it hasn’t reopened. Bad timing.)

Gretchen is glad that she and Slade get to go to an extravagant party, because given their highly impoverished financial situation, Gretchen isn’t sure when they’ll get their next chance.

Later this episode, maybe?

Gretchen squeezes the most out of her time with the well-heeled set, making out with Slade on the dance floor and performing a pole-dance pas de deux with a stripper. I’m sure she’ll be welcome back any time.

The next morning, Gretchen has a massive hangover. And massive hilarity ensues as Gretchen spills some cream at breakfast. Comedy gold!

Slade will not be topped in the humor category, though, as he unveils his awesome nicknames for Tamra and Vicki: Two-Faced Barney and Ficki, “because she’s fake, and she’s icky.”

If gold-digging doesn’t work out for Slade, I’m sure “SNL” is hiring.

***

Back in Ladera Ranch, Two-Faced Barney is Swiffering the floor in preparation for the arrival of Alexis, Jim, their kids and one of their nannies for a pool party.

Tamra gets to see Alexis in a bikini, and Tamra doesn’t like what she sees. “Alexis has a banging body. She’s tall and skinny, and she’s got knockers.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

“I definitely have jealous issues toward Alexis,” Tamra adds. And grammar issues toward English.

***

And Lynne! I almost forgot about Lynne.

She and her family are moving out of their Capistrano Beach home to smaller digs in Laguna Beach.

“Our lease was up, so the time is right to downsize,” Lynne says. And yes, I suppose technically the lease is up when you don’t pay the rent.

Her husband Frank has had two of the roughest years of his construction business, Lynne tells us. Frank confirms that he “made some poor choices in real estate investments … and got creamed.”

That’s way too much honesty for the show, so let’s move on.

***

Alexis and Gretchen have known each other for about a year through a mutual friend (I think the friend’s name is Bravo) so it’s only natural that they would want to meet to take a spinning class at YAS in Costa Mesa, miles from either’s home. It certainly could not be a paid plug.

Alexis loves to work out and wishes she could take spinning classes more often. Gretchen complains that she injured her private parts on the stationary bike. And YAS wants its money back.

***

Speaking of product placement, Jeana has lunch with her daughter, Kara, at some place that apparently failed to pay its bill. The scene makes almost no sense – not that many of them do.

Jeana is dating now, and Kara wants to know if she plans on getting married because Kara wants to be a bridesmaid. Once again, I do not make this stuff up.

***

Thankfully, that scene is brief, and we move on to a much better-paying commercial, I mean to Tamra’s completely logical party at La Perla.

Underwear-clad models and waiters greet our guests.

Gretchen is glad that she and Slade get to go to an extravagant party, because given their highly impoverished financial situation, Gretchen isn’t sure when they’ll get their next chance. Probably next Thursday.

Tamra, Alexis, Lynne and their entourages finally arrive – Tamra seems to have forgotten she is hosting the party – and we all wait for the cat claws to come out.

But no, Tamra has vowed to be civil, and so we are grossly disappointed. Then Jim forbids Alexis to try on lingerie, and we are even more disappointed,

The segment goes on and on (La Perla must have paid a fortune) but we get little beyond a few lingerie poses from Gretchen, Tamra and Lynne.

***

We’re almost glad to return to Coto and Jeana, who has bypassed La Perla to hang out with her kids.

Jeana needs to focus on work and family and doesn’t need the drama, yada, yada, yada.

All three kids are there: UCLA student Kara, minor league baseball player Shane and high school student Colton. Kara does 90 percent of the talking, and the guys try to pretend they’re glad to be there.

***

Back at La Perla, Vicki shows up at last.

Alexis is nervous to meet vicious Vicki and is shocked when Vicki is nice to her.

“I want to be nicer,” Vicki tells the camera. “I think we have to learn to accept each other for who we are and not judge.”

What!? Who wants to watch that?

Tamra concludes the party by observing, “It ended up being a really good night. … Gretchen and I didn’t kill each other,”

Good for whom?

***

The evening concludes with a last visit with our departing Housewife, Jeana, as she wraps up her family home evening.

As you may have heard, Jeana needs to concentrate on her work and her kids, and she doesn’t need all of the drama that comes with hanging with the RHOC girls.

“I’m glad that that phase of my life is over,” Jeana says.

And I’m glad that this hour of my life is over. Somebody pass the DDT.

On the next RHOC: Drinking and fighting. Who would have guessed?

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In other words, they aren’t too bright.

And so the ex-Galu alliance lost another member to crafty Russell and his former-Foa Foa pals. At a dramatic Tribal Council, the first vote ended in a 5-5 tie between Laura and Natalie. In the re-vote, John switched his ballot to Laura, and finished off his Galu alliance in the process.

John calculated that it would be better to end up in sixth place rather than take a 50-50 shot at regaining control of the game at a 1-in-8 risk of ending in 10th place.

Too much math? It was for the rocket scientist.

Of course, John is still in the game, and anything can happen - like Russell and pals coasting to the finish, with a Hidden Immunity Idol in hand and a huge advantage in strategic thinking.

The core Galuvians remaining - Dave, Monica and Brett - need a miracle to survive the next three TCs. Then John will.

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One winner: “Project Runway” concludes its sixth season tonight. The three finalists - Irina, Althea and Carol Hannah - show their lines at New York Fashion Week (filmed in February) and the judges select a winner. The Watcher’s money is on Irina. 10 p.m. on Lifetime. And don’t forget to vote in our poll!

One loser: The Hidden Immunity Idol is back up for grabs on “Survivor: Samoa.” Want to bet Russell finds it? Someone who doesn’t find it will be voted out of the merged tribe tonight and take the third seat in the jury box. 8 p.m. on CBS.

Six, um … Our local favorites, “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” are back for another hour of drinking, fighting and other assorted intellectual endeavors. 10 p.m. on Bravo. The Register’s Richard Chang previews the action.

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The season 5 cast of “The Real Housewives of Orange County.” Photo by Cindy Yamanaka, The Register.

Greetings, folks! Welcome back to another thrilling preview of “The Real Housewives of Orange County”!

Every Thursday, before the show airs, we’ll give you a sneak peek at what transpires on that night’s episode of the intellect-challenging Bravo reality TV series, now in its fifth season. Tonight’s episode, the third of the season, is scheduled to air at 10 p.m., though it will be available earlier if you have satellite TV or Bravo’s HD channel. Check your local listings.

Tonight’s episode begins with Gretchen Rossi and Slade Smiley visiting Scottsdale, Ariz., to see Gretchen’s friend Kelly. They’re staying at the Valley Ho Hotel. Please don’t read any symbolism into the name of that distinguished institution.

Gretchen likes getting out of town to escape the drama for a while. She adds, “Slade has been one of the best things to come into my life after losing Jeff.”

The couple go to the hotel pool to relax. Slade says to Gretchen, “I love you ’cause you love me that I’m poor.” Nice grammar, Slade.

Slade says he wants to be in a relationship with Gretchen and sees her as his wife someday and wants to have kids with her. He notes he wants to get his vasectomy reversed. Wow, Slade! That’s a lot of information we didn’t know about you before!

Gretchen says it’s crazy to talk about having kids with Slade, but she’s in love with him. Awwww.

Flash over to Coto de Caza. Tamra Barney is visiting Jeana Keough. She invites the original housewife to a lingerie party at La Perla lingerie boutique in South Coast Plaza. Jeana declines, because she doesn’t want to deal with the housewives’ drama anymore, and is having her family over for dinner. Wow, that actually sounds like something a real housewife would do!

Tamra and Jeana chat about Jeana’s divorce and her blossoming dating life. Jeana suggests that Tamra should apologize to Gretchen for the notorious St. Regis Monarch Beach debacle/argument.

Tamra says, “For you to tell me I owe her an apology, are you (expletive) out of your mind? I don’t owe her that girl an apology for anything.” Yikes!

Later, Tamra says, “Jeana’s definitely the girl that would fart in a room and walk away and say, ‘Who did that?’ Bitch.” Testy, testy, testy.

After a commercial break, we get officially introduced for the first time to Alexis Bellino, the newest housewife. Avid viewers will recognize that she and her husband Jim went to have dinner with Simon and Tamra Barney in episode 2 last week.

Alexis has been married to Jim for four years. She says, “We both wanted to have a very structured family life, where God was first, our marriage was second and our children were third.” Sounds pretty structured to me.

We see Jim and Alexis going to lunch at Watermarc. Alexis orders a Cadillac margarita with sterling silver, Grand Marnier, two fresh limes, soda water and salt on only part of the rim. “I’m just silly,” she says. “I’m just erotic … no that’s not the right word. What’s the word?” I think you meant “neurotic,” Alexis.

Flash back to Coto de Caza. Jeana is visiting Vicki Gunvalson’s house. Vicki says, “Jeana’s always going to be my neighbor, unless one of us moves. But she’s not always necessarily going to be my friend.” She adds later, “She stirred the pot and she became toxic in my life.” Oohh, tough words, Vicki.

Back to Scottsdale. Gretchen and Slade are getting ready for a birthday party for friend Kelly at a club called Barcelona (which Kelly owns with her husband). Both are wearing pink — they have an excuse, however, because it’s a pink and white-themed party.

At Barcelona, sexy burlesque dancers with hardly anything on boogie on the dance floor. Slade and Gretchen make out on the dance floor, and it’s kinda disgusting. Get a room, you guys!

Gretchen proceeds to do some pole dancing with another girl. What kind of show is this again? Is this “Showtime After Dark” or something?

Later, we see Slade and Gretchen waking up in their hotel room. Gretchen is hung over. While trying to pour cream into her coffee, she spills it all over the place. “I had a rough night last night,” she laughs.

Gretchen wonders what Tamra and Vicki are going to think of their new friend Kelly.

“Who cares?” Slade says. “Baby, they’re jealous bee-yatches. I kinda want them to crawl underneath the rock from whence they came.” Is that a proper use of the word “whence,” Slade?

Flash over to the Barney household in Ladera Ranch. Simon and Tamra are hosting the Bellino family for the 4th of July. Look, there’s little James, 3, with a mohawk! How cute! Daughters Mackenna and Melania, both 20 months, are in tow. So is the Bellinos’ nanny, Mary. (Side note: She and nanny Olga are the first people of color we’ve seen on this show in ages. I never thought I’d say this, but where’s Jo De La Rosa when you need her?)

While Alexis is entering the pool, Tamra notices that she “has a bangin’ body. She’s tall and skinny. Alexis has got knockers. I mean, I have knockers, but she’s got knock-ERS!”

Tamra admits she has jealousy issues toward Alexis. Hmmm, this sounds familiar. Remember when she first met Gretchen?

Tamra says to Jim she’s going to be moving soon. She says her house was at $1.7 million, “now we’re in the $900,000s.”

“Simon and I have a love-hate relationship,” Tamra later confesses. “So it’s so frustrating to see somebody that has a great relationship.” Hmm, is dysfunction supposed to be the norm on this show?

Back at the Lynne Curtin household, the family is packing and getting ready to move to Laguna Beach.

“The time is right to downsize,” Lynne says. “Frank has had two of the roughest years of his construction business. It’s just been terrible.”

She later adds, “Right now my business is keeping us afloat. But I’m not going to lie. It’s been really hard.” Poor Lynne. However, this is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. Just you wait.

Next, we see Alexis and Gretchen working out at “spinning” or stationary cycling class. It’s not all that interesting, unless you like gratuitous shots of Alexis’ and Gretchen’s butts.

OK, now for the part you’ve all been waiting for. The housewives get together for a private party at La Perla, a lingerie and underwear boutique in South Coast Plaza.

A well-built man in just his briefs serves champagne to the housewives. We see long shots of female models in lingerie, with the camera settling for a while on their bottoms. This is not a kiddies’ show, folks!

Alexis and Lynne meet for the first time. Lynne has daughter Alexa in tow, and she seems slightly embarrassed by her mother’s comments. Gretchen is hiding out in the fitting room, because she doesn’t want to run into Tamra and get into another fight.

Alexis wonders if she should try on some lingerie. Jim doesn’t like that idea. “It’s not our reality for her to go into a lingerie store, try on lingerie, and come out of the dressing room when there are men in the store,” he says. “It’s not our reality.” I think that’s one of the most decent, intelligent things I’ve ever heard on this show!

Anyway, Tamra, Gretchen and Lynne proceed to try on outfits, and we get more gratuitous shots of boobs, butts, legs, etc. Tamra and Gretchen do a little game of avoiding each other while trying out outfits, and it’s silly.

Meanwhile, Jeana is preparing dinner for her kids, Shane, Kara and Colton. Kara says to her brothers, “Can at least one of you guys just be a pro baseball player so I never have to work again?”

Back at La Perla, Vicki makes an unfashionably late entrance. Surprisingly, Vicki is nice to the new girl, Alexis.

“It ended up being a really good night,” Tamra reflects. “Everyone got to meet Alexis, and Gretchen and I didn’t kill each other!”

Finally, we get a series of scenes of Jeana at home and in flashbacks with the other housewives. It’s time for Jeana to call it quits with the show. “I am through with the housewives and all their drama,” she says.  “I am not going to be hangin’ out with the ladies.”

Jeana reflects on her relationships with the other housewives, and with her ex-husband.

“This is time for me to focus on myself,” she says. “To become the best I can be at this point in my life. I’m glad to go into this next step and see what life holds for me. …

“I haven’t any regrets. But I’m glad that that phase of my life is over for now.” Good bye, original housewife!

Well, that’s all folks! Tune in next week for another exciting preview of “The Real Housewives of Orange County”!

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On Wednesday, 14 dancers stood before the judges on “So You Think You Can Dance,” hoping that their fans had called enough times the night before to save them from the bottom three, and the inevitable expulsion of a male and a female dancer from their ranks.

O.C. favorite Nathan Trasoras, who graduated from the Orange County High School of the Arts this year, and his partner Mollee Gray were frontrunners the first two weeks of the semi-finals, before failing to impress the judges much at all last week.

Did Nathan survive? Who went home? Well, read on to find out the results, we’ll not spoil it just yet. And click through the slide show to see each of the couples in action this week.

Both Nathan and Mollee ended up in the bottom three couples when the results were announced, but both were spared by the judges. Instead, going home were Channing Cooke and Kevin Hunte. And now there are 12….

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The most important event of the TV week happens Thursday, when we - or Heidi Klum, actually - crown the winner of season six of “Project Runway.”

The Watcher hasn’t been too happy with the season in general - the first since the show migrated to Lifetime from Bravo - but weak “Project Runway” is still better than most television.

And the season should end with a worthy winner - as long as it’s not Carol Hannah Whitfield.

The other finalists - Irina Shabeyeva and Althea Harper - were the strongest competitors all season. Carol Hannah was steady - her record was as good as Althea’s - but her work was uninspiring. Her two challenge wins came less because she excelled than because the others failed.

But perhaps you disagree. Either way, it’s time to express your opinion. Who is your choice for champion?

*

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