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Ever heard of these guys?
Nothing will knock the Watcher off of his perch of optimism tonight.
The Top 12 begins, and to the music of the Rolling Stones, no less.
Keith and Mick and the boys probably are responsible for more good songs than any act in the history of rock and roll – even if they have been on cruise control for the last 30 years or so. Our chosen dozen will be hard pressed to be anything less than entertaining.
I won’t even be shaken by the horrifying news that Paula Abdul might be returning to TV to host yet another version of “Star Search.” Although I ought to be. Because what is more upsetting than the thought of Paula raining tears as some insufferable 9-year-old wails “My Heart Will Go On”? The series won’t even be on for a year at least and already I AM LOSING MY MIND AT THE PROSPECT!!
But not tonight. My 19th nervous breakdown must wait. The show is about to start.
This is “American Idol.”
And if this indeed is “American Idol,” we must be greeted by utter nonsense in the guise of hyperbole.
“Everything they’ve ever worked for has led up to this moment,” is the opening line Ryan Seacrest delivers so dramatically. Yeah, Ryan, that’s pretty much how the whole time thing works. The past leads to the present. The future comes after that.
And our future suddenly seems bleaker, as after the credits, some faceless, nameless stage announcer introduces the four judges: Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul II, Karandy Jackson and Simon Cowell. They appear from behind a curtain and stride across the stage to their seats. Didn’t we try this bit last year and drop it after it was universally panned? It didn’t get any better in the off-season.
Ryan is introduced and charges down the stairs to bring us some more precious tidbits of information. “This is when we begin the countdown to the finale,” he says. And what were we doing the past 10 weeks or so?
The Top 12 are hauled out on stage and lined up for roll call. Massive dude? Yep. Tall guy in jeans? Present. Little kid? Check. Teeny-bopper in her mom’s dress? Here. Hippie chick with dreads? Roger. All present and accounted for.
Next comes the video tribute to tonight’s theme providers. It’s hard to oversell the contribution of the Rolling Stones, but “AI” tries. We are told they are both “the most iconic band on the planet, period,” and “the greatest rock and roll band in the world.” Nothing about Brian Jones in the pool or Bill Wyman’s 13-year-old girlfriend.
“American Idol” is honored to pay tribute,” Ryan says. And royalties.
So let’s generate some cash for the Glimmer Twins. It’s on with the singing …
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