Orange County Register

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. Or maybe it just seems that way. Once again The Watcher will bull his way through an entire episode of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” so you don’t have to.

Previews indicate this will be one of most boring outings on record. The Watcher is tempted to eschew his usual hard liquor accompaniment in favor of caffeine. Or DDT.

But that’s the coward’s way out. We must gather our courage and soldier ahead.

***

Last week on “RHOC”: Fighting and whining prevailed. Tonight, no doubt, will be considerably different.

We notice that Alexis does not yet merit a spot in the “RHOC” credits sequence. Of course, she hasn’t been drunk or fought with another Housewife yet, so she hasn’t earned one.

The episode opens in the familiar Orange County community of Scottsdale, Ariz. We watch an SUV pull into the – get this – Hotel Valley Ho, a place the producers could not possibly have picked accidentally.

Gretchen and Slade emerge from the car, Slade now sporting the subtitle “Gretchen’s boyfriend,” and check into the Valley Ho. I may never tire of typing “Valley Ho.”

And why are we in Scottsdale, you ask? Gretchen is here to see her girlfriend Kelly. Oh, Kelly. I completely forgot she lived there. It all makes perfect sense now.

If you have a paper bag or wastebasket nearby, please grab it, because we are about to launch a vomit-inducing sequence detailing how much Gretchen and Slade are in love and how genuine their relationship is and not completely faked for TV or for the now-broke Slade to grab hold of some of Gretchen’s inheritance from her dead fiancé, Jeff.

Gretchen anticipates our skepticism: “If I had to fall in love with anybody, why did it have to be Slade Smiley, right?” Right.

Because “RHOC” viewers are unable think for themselves (actually, that’s not a far-fetched conclusion) Tamra helpfully inserts a few comments, lest we start thinking too well of Gretchen.

“Two weeks after Jeff died, Slade moved in,” Tamra reminds us. “Why does he keep bagging the Housewives?” Why indeed. Seems like the guy has enough troubles of his own.

But Gretchen and Slade wave away any of Tamra’s criticisms, mainly because those were filmed later and they can’t hear them. Slade wants to marry Gretchen and have children with her – even though she wants four kids and he would have to get his vasectomy reversed. Slade is so smitten, he even wants “to have genetic testing done.” Now that’s love, folks.

The camera cleverly cuts to the enormous engagement ring Jeff gave Gretchen, which she still wears on her left hand and which we now presume will stand as her dowry.

“I’m ready to have some good things in my life again,” Gretchen says. I’m confused; I thought we were talking about her marrying Slade.

***

We leave Scottsdale for Coto de Caza, where Tamra is driving while talking on her cell phone. She’s just like Maria Shriver!

Tamra drops by Jeana’s house to conduct some urgent RHOC business. Tamra is throwing a party at La Perla and Jeana hasn’t RSVPed. So rather than just ask over the phone whether Jeana’s coming, Tamra asks Jeana if she can come over to her house and ask her whether she’s coming.

Jeana’s not coming.

Jeana needs to concentrate on her work and her kids, and she doesn’t need all of the drama that comes with hanging with the RHOC girls. This is Jeana’s last episode on the show, and these are the reasons she’s leaving, she tells us. And tells us. And tells us. Jeana says the same thing a couple of dozen different ways throughout the hour. Keep this paragraph handy for easy reference.

Jeana’s ready for a new phase in her life, anyway. Her divorce from husband Matt will be final in about a month, and he’s moving out in two weeks. And she’s already dating.

And she needs to concentrate on her work and her kids, and she doesn’t need all of the drama that comes with hanging with the RHOC girls.

Drama like stirring up Tamra by bringing up the big fight with Gretchen at the St. Regis. “Have you and Gretchen made up?” Jeana asks, innocently. She then suggests that Tamra apologize to Gretchen.

Tamra pulls a hatchet from her purse and chops Jeana’s left arm off.

That would have been interesting, at least. No, Tamra simply calls Gretchen a pathological liar. Then, in a confessional taped later, she calls Jeana a bitch and accuses her of creating “all of the drama among the girls.”

Could we agree to use a more fitting term than “drama”? Like “painfully trivial nonsense”?
***

Speaking of trivial, we move on to our new Housewife, Alexis.

Alexis and Jim have been married four years and have three children: a 3-year-old son and 20-month-old twin girls. “We both wanted to have a very structured family life where God was first, our marriage was second and our children were third,” Alexis says.

That’s craziness! Where does plastic surgery rank? And booze? If those aren’t higher than the kids, you have no business being on this show, lady.

Alexis is crazy busy, though, what with a husband and three kids to care for and only two nannies to help out. “It’s really difficult at times,” she confesses, and I think I felt a tiny tear of sympathy trickle down my cheek.

Jim explains: “Our marriage is modern in its everyday action but traditional in the moral fiber in which we conduct ourselves.” Could you repeat that in English?

Alexis and Jim meet for lunch at the Watermarc restaurant in Laguna Beach, where Alexis demonstrates her traditional moral fiber by having a margarita before driving back home to resume taking care of the kids.

At least she called it a margarita; it sounded like an insanely complicated drink that required two fresh limes and a partly salted rim.

Alexis confesses that her Sally Albright-level need to customize her restaurant order is nutty. “I’m erotic,” she says. I did not make that up.

***

From one malapropist to another: We traipse over to Vicki’s house, where Jeana has dropped by for an uncomfortable visit.

“Jeana’s always going to be my neighbor unless one of us moves,” Vicki helpfully informs us, “but she’s not necessarily always going to be my friend.”

Their relationship has been strained since Vicki dropped Jeana as her real estate agent.

They have trouble talking about it – to each other, that is. Not so much to the camera.

“Jeana stirred the pot, and she became toxic in my life,” Vicki tells us, mixing metaphors like a pro.
***
Oops. We almost forgot poor Gretchen back at the – let’s say it together, shall we? – Hotel Valley Ho.

She is here to attend the birthday party of her “new friend” Kelly, who owns the Barcelona restaurant in Scottsdale and, of course, did not pay Bravo to fly Gretchen out and feature the restaurant in the show.

(Oddly enough, Barcelona closed for renovations a couple of days after Gretchen’s visit. Sadly, though, it hasn’t reopened. Bad timing.)

Gretchen is glad that she and Slade get to go to an extravagant party, because given their highly impoverished financial situation, Gretchen isn’t sure when they’ll get their next chance.

Later this episode, maybe?

Gretchen squeezes the most out of her time with the well-heeled set, making out with Slade on the dance floor and performing a pole-dance pas de deux with a stripper. I’m sure she’ll be welcome back any time.

The next morning, Gretchen has a massive hangover. And massive hilarity ensues as Gretchen spills some cream at breakfast. Comedy gold!

Slade will not be topped in the humor category, though, as he unveils his awesome nicknames for Tamra and Vicki: Two-Faced Barney and Ficki, “because she’s fake, and she’s icky.”

If gold-digging doesn’t work out for Slade, I’m sure “SNL” is hiring.

***

Back in Ladera Ranch, Two-Faced Barney is Swiffering the floor in preparation for the arrival of Alexis, Jim, their kids and one of their nannies for a pool party.

Tamra gets to see Alexis in a bikini, and Tamra doesn’t like what she sees. “Alexis has a banging body. She’s tall and skinny, and she’s got knockers.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

“I definitely have jealous issues toward Alexis,” Tamra adds. And grammar issues toward English.

***

And Lynne! I almost forgot about Lynne.

She and her family are moving out of their Capistrano Beach home to smaller digs in Laguna Beach.

“Our lease was up, so the time is right to downsize,” Lynne says. And yes, I suppose technically the lease is up when you don’t pay the rent.

Her husband Frank has had two of the roughest years of his construction business, Lynne tells us. Frank confirms that he “made some poor choices in real estate investments … and got creamed.”

That’s way too much honesty for the show, so let’s move on.

***

Alexis and Gretchen have known each other for about a year through a mutual friend (I think the friend’s name is Bravo) so it’s only natural that they would want to meet to take a spinning class at YAS in Costa Mesa, miles from either’s home. It certainly could not be a paid plug.

Alexis loves to work out and wishes she could take spinning classes more often. Gretchen complains that she injured her private parts on the stationary bike. And YAS wants its money back.

***

Speaking of product placement, Jeana has lunch with her daughter, Kara, at some place that apparently failed to pay its bill. The scene makes almost no sense – not that many of them do.

Jeana is dating now, and Kara wants to know if she plans on getting married because Kara wants to be a bridesmaid. Once again, I do not make this stuff up.

***

Thankfully, that scene is brief, and we move on to a much better-paying commercial, I mean to Tamra’s completely logical party at La Perla.

Underwear-clad models and waiters greet our guests.

Gretchen is glad that she and Slade get to go to an extravagant party, because given their highly impoverished financial situation, Gretchen isn’t sure when they’ll get their next chance. Probably next Thursday.

Tamra, Alexis, Lynne and their entourages finally arrive – Tamra seems to have forgotten she is hosting the party – and we all wait for the cat claws to come out.

But no, Tamra has vowed to be civil, and so we are grossly disappointed. Then Jim forbids Alexis to try on lingerie, and we are even more disappointed,

The segment goes on and on (La Perla must have paid a fortune) but we get little beyond a few lingerie poses from Gretchen, Tamra and Lynne.

***

We’re almost glad to return to Coto and Jeana, who has bypassed La Perla to hang out with her kids.

Jeana needs to focus on work and family and doesn’t need the drama, yada, yada, yada.

All three kids are there: UCLA student Kara, minor league baseball player Shane and high school student Colton. Kara does 90 percent of the talking, and the guys try to pretend they’re glad to be there.

***

Back at La Perla, Vicki shows up at last.

Alexis is nervous to meet vicious Vicki and is shocked when Vicki is nice to her.

“I want to be nicer,” Vicki tells the camera. “I think we have to learn to accept each other for who we are and not judge.”

What!? Who wants to watch that?

Tamra concludes the party by observing, “It ended up being a really good night. … Gretchen and I didn’t kill each other,”

Good for whom?

***

The evening concludes with a last visit with our departing Housewife, Jeana, as she wraps up her family home evening.

As you may have heard, Jeana needs to concentrate on her work and her kids, and she doesn’t need all of the drama that comes with hanging with the RHOC girls.

“I’m glad that that phase of my life is over,” Jeana says.

And I’m glad that this hour of my life is over. Somebody pass the DDT.

On the next RHOC: Drinking and fighting. Who would have guessed?

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