Orange County Register

Did you hear about the “Real Housewives of Orange County” drinking game?

Every time the gals take a drink, you take a drink. If you’re still upright at the end of the hour, you check into rehab.

Fun times.

Speaking of overimbibers, we begin episode two right where we left episode one, with the five Housewives pouring down the drinks at the St. Regis Monarch Beach.

The ostensible reason for this gathering is to celebrate Lynne’s new jewelry business, but in truth the producers just wanted to get Tamra and Gretchen in the same room to resume their fight from last year’s reunion show. In the same room and drunk.

Tamra and Gretchen do not disappoint. We are treated to the terms “whore,” “nipple,” “vajayjay,” “bitch,” “(bleep 1)” and “(bleep 2)” in short order.

Priceless repartee. One imagines the Algonquin Round Table was much the same.

In a brief confessional, Lynne moans, “This was supposed to be my great dinner party,” and feigns being upset. A legitimate acting career is not in her future.

Finally, Tamra declares, “I quit,” and for a moment we are hopeful that she’s talking about the show.

But no, this is merely the signal for the gals to break into cliques, with Vicki following Tamra out of the suite while Lynne and Jeana stay behind to help Gretchen bad-mouth the departees.

Tamra and Vicki stomp through the tastefully beige halls of the St. Regis, loudly proclaiming Gretchen to be a gold-digging, lying, tramp – as if that is some newly discovered surprise to us all.

Back in the elegant suite, Gretchen and Jeana come to the conclusion that Tamra is a crazy, judgmental, white-trash bitch.

(Folks, do consider the St. Regis as the site for your next drunken catfight with your gold-digging white-trash friends.)

The blow-up concluded, we spin forward a few days to a backyard tanning party at Gretchen’s joint in Laguna Niguel.

Do I even need to report that drinking plays an important role?

“The more alcohol you have, the faster the clothes come off,” one of the guests declares, and they come off quickly.
Soon we have a bikini-clad Gretchen, a topless Lynne and a fully naked Slade Smiley – naked, that is, except for a sock covering his private parts, just like the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

But nudity is only a brief sidelight to the real purpose of the party: to trash Tamra some more. If you can’t do something well, at least do it often.

Gretchen’s mother and Slade join in the fun. “Tamra has nothing,” Slade offers. “She’s never been successful at anything, ever.” And Gretchen …?

But my favorite quote from the Tamra bash-a-thon comes from Gretchen herself: “How long have I rised above this?” Indeed. How long has you did that?

Lynne and her 16-year-old daughter, Alexa, show up, and Alexa asks if she can have a beer. Surprisingly, Lynne says no.

The ever-helpful Gretchen tries to talk Lynne into letting the kid drink, and even offers Alexa tips for sneaking some booze.

“I’m not sure why Lynne continues to gloss over the drinking with the young kids,” Gretchen says to the camera. Awesome.

In the interest of fairness, we switch to Tamra and Vicki, lunching at Hanna’s in Rancho Santa Margarita.

In a shocking turn of events, the discussion turns to a) the fight and b) Tamra and Simon’s marital/money problems.

Vicki doesn’t understand why Simon gave up a lucrative car-selling career to push tequila. I do: He figured he could cut expenses by getting Tamra’s supply wholesale.

Tamra drops the big bombshell: She and Simon are under water on their house and want to sell it. Welcome to Southern California!

Tamra says if she knew two years ago how bad things would get, she would have been smarter and put more money away. Tamra would have been smarter; that’s a good one.

Jeana is in bad financial shape, too, but she’s leaving the show and gets only a couple of minutes to plead poverty.

She puts on her Realtor clothes and shows some nameless couple around a $12 million house that won’t sell in the next five years.

Jeana notes that other Housewives have husbands who pick up the tab. Well, except for Gretchen. And Vicki makes her own money. And Tamra and Lynne’s husbands are broke, but otherwise, yeah.

Vicki, meanwhile, is taking her daughter, Brianna, and her mother on a trip to Italy.

We’re celebrating Brianna’s graduation from nursing school in just three years – a feat that normally takes seven, Vicki tells us, which proves that Brianna is a genius.

Seven years to complete an associate degree at community college? I think Vicki must have been reading the Watcher’s college transcripts.

Anyway, the genius and her mom can’t figure out how many shoes to take with them.

We note that last season, Vicki’s husband, Donn, was left out of most of her trips. She’s working hard to make things better this year. It’s just that Donn doesn’t get to go on this trip, either.

“I didn’t really want to spend the time with that group anyway,” Donn says. Perhaps there is a genius in the crowd.

The action switches to Gretchen and Slade hosting a garage sale, and by action I mean mind-numbing boredom.

One poor fellow shows up to buy a wine rack for $10. But, hey, Gretchen will take whatever cash she can get.

Gretchen says everyone thinks she was left with millions from Jeff’s estate. “I wasn’t,” she declares. “Not even close.”

Really? Two and a half million seems pretty close to me.

Lynne, as we well know, has no such money problems – except for getting evicted from her house – so she’s set to drop a few grand on a face lift.

Lynne and her elder daughter, Raquel, go for a consultation with the cosmetic surgeon.

Lynne isn’t merely making herself look better, she’s setting an important example for her girls. “When they get to be 80, they’ll look as good as me,” she says. Great, 60 more years and their problems will be over.

Raquel plans to get a head start, though. “Last year for my birthday I got a BMW, and this year I’m going to get a nose job!”

It’s not all sunshine for Raquel, though. She reveals that she is getting her perfectly fine nose “fixed” because she is tired of being uglier than her mom and “supermodel” sister, Alexa.

Raquel either has a funhouse mirror in her bathroom or some serious self-image problems. Guess what’s not going to fix those.

We leave that disturbingly sad scene none too soon to follow Vicki off to Rome. Rome, Italy the supertitle helpfully informs. I suppose if you are watching this show for entertainment, you just might need that geography lesson.

Vicki, Brianna and Mom struggle to fit their seven suitcases – four of them Vicki’s – into their phone-booth size, $572-a-night suite at the Hotel Barroco. In other words, it’s your standard-issue European hotel room.

They check in, and Vicki’s mother is ready to go home.

The three head out on a tour of Rome – Mom hates the Colosseum – but what Vicki really wants to do is go shopping at “some great Italian shops.”

Like Louis Vuitton.

That’s Rome, Italy, folks.
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Vicki concludes that shopping in the Roman streets pales with shopping at South Coast Plaza. Really! I mean, Rome doesn’t even have a Sears!

Meanwhile, back in the States …

Lynne takes her daughters to lunch, and Alexa flips out to learn that the other two are going under the knife. She runs weeping into the restroom.

“They’re getting so materialistic about every little thing,” Alexa observes, giving this show a rare burst of insight and normalcy.

But wait!

Soon we learn what’s really upsetting Alexa is that Raquel got the BMW and now the nose job. “And what do I get? Like, a cake?”

Mmm, cake.

But I digress.

More important things than cake are going on. Tamra is cleaning the house!

The Barneys had to get rid of their housekeeper, so now Tamra, Simon and brood all chip in to clean the place up. Oddly enough, they’re having a good time.

“We do things as a family, and I enjoy it more,” Tamra says. Clearly, she’s worried that she just put her job in jeopardy with such lack of avarice, so she throws in a coda. “But I love having money, too.”

To show just how bad things have gotten in RHOC land, Jean and her daughter Kara are shopping at – let’s all shudder in unison – H&M!

Kara has transfered from Berkeley to UCLA and has joined a sorority known on campus as Visa Visa MasterCard. Her house caters to “like, the rich girls or something.”

I’m guessing Kara isn’t an English major.

Circumstances go from shocking to horrifying as we learn that Kara got a job and is – I’m almost unable to type this – paying for the clothes herself. She gets several pieces for under $200, or about as much as her mother used to pay for one sock.

What has become of this poor girl? Next thing you know, she’ll be caught reading a book.

To wash away that tragic scene, we return to Rome, Italy, where the Gunvalson girls are struggling to order wine.

Vicki can’t communicate with the waiter in this here foreign-type land, even though the waiter is speaking perfectly passable English. I am tempted to suggest that she consider listening to the poor guy, but that probably is too extreme a solution.

I just hope they can resolve this quickly, because we can’t have an RHOC scene without alcohol

And forget trying to read the menu, cryptically written in the Italian language. Even Brianna the genius can’t make heads or tails of it.

Yet somehow the meal ends well, and Vicki gives forth with her trademark “woo-hoo!” as the trio exits the restaurant.

Ciao, Roma. Roma, Italia

At long, long, very long last, we get to the highlight of the evening: the introduction of our newest Housewife, Alexis Bellino.

Alexis and her husband, Jim, are dining with Tamra and Simon. Simon knows Jim from business deals, and he thought Tamra and Alexis would get along.

Well, that and the producers hired Alexis for the series.

Alexis starts out on the right RHOC foot, immediately talking about her and Jim’s sex life. They are soulmates, have sex all the time and never go anywhere without each other. In other words, your typical married couple.

Alexis also looks as if she already has started in on the lip collagen, so she should fit in well.

Of course, the Watcher is homing in on the one tiny flaw on what is otherwise a remarkably beautiful woman. If Tamra hates Gretchen because Gretchen is prettier, she’s likely to set Alexis on fire before the season is up.

A tray of appetizers arrives, and Alexis offers to make Jim a plate – an act that Simon notes with more than a trace of bitterness.

“She butters my bread,” Jim says, without a touch of irony. Alexis then wraps a bib around his neck and cuts his meat into little pieces.
 
The dinner conversation can be summed up this way: Jim worships Alexis, and Simon thinks Tamra is stupid.

Simon complains that Tamra doesn’t listen to him, even though he knows everything.

“When was the last time I was wrong?” Simon asks. And every married guy watching the show answers, “Right there.”

Jim shuts down Simon by taking Tamra’s side. “We ‘re not always right,” Jim says. Then Alexis burps him.

We conclude tonight’s masterpiece with Tamra and Simon putting their house up for sale.

Tamra’s friend Marcus from Barrington Properties comes by to get the listing – and to tell the Barneys just how bad prices have gotten in Ladera Heights.

It’s a difficult time for Tamra. “We built this house from the ground up,” she says. Actually, the builder did that, but the couple did order $400,000 in upgrades, which is almost the same thing.

Marcus warns them that the sale needs to be a business decision: “You have to let go of the emotional side of it.”

A tearful Tamra struggles to do that. “This is hard,” she wails.

Oh yeah? Try watching an hour of “The Real Housewives of Orange County.”

Next week: Jeana leaves, and Tamra sees Alexis in a bikini. Hide the matches.

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